(Not So) Jolly Ol' St. Nick

I won't lie to you; Christmas is my favorite time of the year. Call me old fashion and naive, but I still believe in the magic of the season. However, my belief in that magic seems to die a little more with each passing year. When I was a child, the Christmas season began after Thanksgiving, and not before Halloween. Stores advertised their 'Black Friday' ads the week of Thanksgiving instead of after Labor Day weekend.

Aside from the greed and commercialization aspect that capitalism has contributed to the destruction of the magic of Christmas, more importantly is the deterioration of the spirit of Christmas. A time when we strive for peace on earth and show compassion and goodwill towards our fellow man. If you need any proof of that, just turn on any local newscast the day after Thanksgiving, and you can be subjected to a couple of men or women on the ground trying to pummel one another over a 32" HDTV. Never mind the fact that it is probably a discontinued model from a manufacturer that has a bad consumer satisfaction rating; in the end, it's the fact that you scored on a once in a lifetime deal! Or it's the parents that must keep up with the Jones' by buying their 6 year old a $500 gaming system or iPad because they don't want to have their child look at them in a negative light by not always getting what they want.

Every year as I continue to observe the withering decay of the magic and spirit of Christmas, I have often stopped and wondered what the jolly ol' elf Santa Claus would think of how Christmas has changed and how he has had to adapt to the changes? Well, my wish has come true. I got the opportunity to speak with the man in the red suit and ask him some questions about that very thing. So, settle in and be prepared to surprised by the revealing answers that St. Nick is about provide.

Shaun Floyd: First of all Mr. Claus, let me first begin by offering my sincerest thanks to you for your willingness to take some time to be interviewed. It really means a lot.

Santa Claus: Well, you are welcome! At first I thought it quite disturbing that a man in his 40's would still believe in me, but after talking about what you wanted to ask me, I thought it was a perfect forum to get some things off of my chest. Besides, as many parents have told their kids for many generations; 'If you believe in Santa, he's real', so I shouldn't judge.

SF: So are you saying you are in fact not real?

SC: If I'm not, this is going to be one hell of a short interview now isn't it?

SF: Fair Enough. So before we get into the heart of this interview, let me ask you this; there have not only been many questions as to whether you exist or not, but also how you came to be 'Santa Claus'. How did this all begin for you?

SC: Well, I certainly didn't have aspirations to become a beloved cultural figure. That came from my upbringing as a child.

SF: What was childhood like for you?

SC: Well, not many people know this, but I was given up by my parents. My father had abandoned my mother after I was born and she couldn't afford to raise me. So, she wanted to make sure that I was properly taken care of and had dropped me off on the porch of a family living in a neighboring town in Sweden, and those people would come to be my adoptive parents, who happened to be The Kringles.

SF: Wow! I never knew that. Did you harbor any feelings of anger or resentment towards your mother and father for giving you up like that?

SC: At first I did, but I realized that my mother had my best interests at heart, so I was able to forgive her easily. My father on the other hand...

SF: Have you met your birth mother and father?

SC: I have met my mother. She is a nice lady. She is the one that I get my jolly personality from. Never met my father and after what my mother has told me about him, I have no desire to.

SF: May I ask what you did find out about him?

SC: Well, he was German while my mother was Irish. He was a bit of an ogre who liked to drink. My mother thinks he was the one who taught Hitler the philosophy that he would eventually dominate Germany with, but I can't prove that. I can only speculate that theory, but I think it holds a little validity since he abandoned me and my mother because I was a red-headed blue eyed child instead of being a blonde hair and blue eyed lad that the Nazi's wanted to continuously breed.

SF: Oh my God! That's horrible!

SC: Don't feel bad, I came out on the winning end. I was raised by a loving family that had a penchant for making toys and making people happy.

SF: And we have all been beneficial as a result of it.

SC: Word up.

SF: So, the reason I wanted to talk with you is to get your views on how Christmas has changed since it began for you, and how you have had to adapt to the changes and the impact it has made on you?

SC: I appreciate it. It's good to know that some people still have the ability to think critically.

SF: I guess the first question I have is how have your operations at the North Pole changed and evolved?

SC: It was a pretty standard and smooth running operation through most of the 20th century. Then the 70's came along, and everything went downhill from there.

SF: How so?

SC: *deep sigh* Gosh, where do I begin. Well, I guess it started when our new crop of elves began work in the mid 70's. Oh wait, I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to say elves any longer because it's not politically correct. When our new crop of 'vertically challenged childhood entertainment engineers' came on board. They began speaking with some of the long term VCCEE's around the shop about the working conditions and the hours and about being fairly compensated with health care and wages. So in 1979, they decided to form a Union and went on strike.

SF: Are you kidding?

SC: I’m Santa, I never tell a lie. You should know, you had a pretty light Christmas that year if I recall.

SF: Actually…you’re right. I think all I got that year was clothes. I thought it was because I had ended up on the naughty list for some reason.

SC: Nope, it was because of the strike. A lot of kids were pretty pissed off that year. Can’t say I blame them, but we released a statement that said due to the Russians invading practically every country near them, we had to limit the amount of travel in fear of being shot down by the communists. In reality it was because we were so backlogged with toy orders that we couldn’t keep up with the demand. We tried scab workers, but they couldn’t build a wagon to save their lives, so we had to scrap the toy orders that year.

SF: So the workshop is now all union?

SC: Not any longer.

SF: How were you able to break the union?

SC: Every 4 years we had contract re-negotiations, and I would end up meeting their demands for the most part. However they forgot one little detail; Part of the job of being Santa Claus is to keep up to date with the trends of toys. I started noticing right around the mid 80’s how technology and electronics were evolving. I kept that piece of information in my back pocket. I started buying up stock of Apple, Microsoft and Nintendo. After accumulating a good deal of stock, I was able to attend stock holder meetings. When the VP’s, CFO’s and CEO’s started noticing me at these meetings, they were curious as to know why I was there. I told them how interested I was in how technology was impacting toys and I wanted to inform myself and learn a great deal more. Before you know it, I am able to strike a deal with these corporations to sit in on board meetings to hear and see the new toys being released and touring their facilities of how they were manufactured. Fast forward to 1993, I get word that the internet is about to be launched. So I strike a deal with some people to sell off some of my stock in exchange for software designers, engineers and other tech-savvy labor. When the contract talks of 1993 came about, I was able to cut the dead-weight loose. If they didn’t have a degree in electronics of any type, you were out of a job. That alone cut my overhead drastically! So as a result, I was able to break the union.

SF: So all of your helpers now have technology backgrounds.

SC: Yes. Another area that has changed with our operations is that we had to expand our facilities a great deal. We now different manufacturing plants dedicated strictly to gaming consoles, computers, electronic tablets and so forth.

SF: Do you still make any toys like dolls, footballs, blocks or anything like that?

SC: No, that’s all outsourced to other areas. Besides, I can’t manufacture footballs anymore. Roger Goodell and the NFL not only trademarked the term ‘football’, but they hold the patents for manufacturing footballs, so if I were to make them, I would have to get oral and written consent from the NFL to do that, and I’m not about to give that Nazi Goodell a share of my pie. Guy reminds me of my father.

SF: That’s ridiculous!

SC: That’s America. It’s quite a litigious culture you guys have developed.

SF: So if you have had to expand operations, how much of the North Pole do you cover these days.

SC: Not as much as you think. The whole thing, shops, manufacturing plants, housing, etc. used to cover about oh….I would say 26 square miles, but thanks to global warming and the ice caps breaking off, we are having to re-think are strategies. Right now, we are investing in a fleet of house boats for housing, and are in talks with certain countries to use some of their carriers to help transport our equipment to Antarctica and rebuild shop there.

SF: How sad! You will no longer be able to live in the North Pole.

SC: Tell me about it. I’ve called that place home for hundreds of years. It’s going to be tough, but you have to think about the big picture.

SF: Speaking of age, I have to admit, you are in pretty fit shape and look great for your age!

SC: Thanks…wait, you’re not coming on to me are you? Not that I have a problem with homosexuals. In fact I have quite a few helpers that are, but I personally am all about Mrs. C’s cookies.

SF: No sir. Just paying a compliment.
SC: Very good then.

SF: Do you pack on the pounds during the fall to get ready for the long haul on Christmas Eve, or is the bowl full of jelly a suit modification?

SC: In the old days, it was all me. Like Mrs. C used to say, ‘With a tool like mine, you gotta build a shed’, but thanks to Obamacare, my health care plan was sub-standard, I was dropped from my plan, and given the weight I was, no other insurance providers would touch me. So, in order to get health insurance I had to drop a bunch of weight and get in shape.

SF: So has a memo gone out to the children to not put out as much milk and cookies this Christmas?

SC: Actually, no but you bring up a something that I would like to get off of my chest. Do you know the amount of cookies and milk I have consumed over the years? So many that is has made me not only a type two diabetic, but also lactose intolerant! What the hell are these parents teaching these kids?! Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for enjoying a sweet treat now and then, but when you hit approximately half a billion homes, that’s a lot of calories! Why in the hell can’t these parents tell their kids to put out a plate of fruit or a nutrition bar?! By the way, would a 5 Hour Energy or cup of coffee be too much to ask? I’m not saying every house, but if I could get one per time zone, it would help me to stay alert when I’m behind the wheel of the sleigh.

SF: Behind the wheel? I thought the reindeer drove the sleigh?

SC: They used to up to about 20 years ago, but then PETA decided that I was treating the reindeer unfairly and inhumanely by (to use their words) “shackling them with the reins of oppression and slavery” and “exposing them to harsh elements of the bitter arctic cold”. Whenever I flew over San Francisco or Boulder, I would be hounded by these PETA demonstrators calling me filthy name imaginable and trying to set my reindeer free from their reins. So I finally decided that I would take matters into my own hands. I contacted NASA to see what they could do for me and they built me a pretty sleek sleigh that I can get to and from my destinations pretty quickly. It even has stealth technology which is pretty kick ass. So, with the exception of the standard 8 reindeer that I kept strictly for show, I set the rest of the reindeer off to roam the arctic wilderness freely.

SF: That was a noble gesture of you Santa.

SC: Yeah, well the bitch of it was that as soon as I set them free into the wilderness, a good majority of them were gunned down by hunters. Last time I checked, they were close to being on the endangered species list, but did PETA come up here to protest that travesty? HELL NO! Had they stayed with me, they would at least be alive and well, but that’s PETA for you; Heads too far up their own asses to see the overall effect of their actions.

SF: True. Getting back to your sleigh, it brought up another question I wanted to ask. How are you able to hit all the children’s homes in just one night?

SC: Ah yes…one of my most closely guarded secrets. However, if you stop and really think about it, it’s really not that difficult to figure out.

SF: Would you be willing to indulge me and explain it?

SC: *Pauses and contemplates* Well…I suppose. The secret comes down to two things really, Government and Religion.

SF: Government & Religion?

SC: That’s right. Oh, and time zones. I forgot time zones. You see, being at the North Pole, (for now anyway), I have the vantage point of being able to start my course at the International Date Line. If I start there on December 24th, and work my way towards Western Europe, I’m actually losing a day once I cross the line, so I gain some time. Now, you heard me mention government and religion. This is how those two come into play. You have to remember that while China is a undergoing an industrial revolution, they are still a communist nation. Communists don’t believe in me or what I provide, so right there you are eliminating over a billion households I have to drop presents for. As I continue to move west from China, you have the Middle East. Muslim religion does not recognize me since they think I am a sign of Capitalism, so I can avoid all of those nations. Africa celebrates Kwanza; Israel celebrates Hanukah, so now I’ve eliminated half of the planet. The only areas I have to focus on are Western Europe, Canada, Mexico and The Americas.

SF: But that’s still quite a bit of territory to cover.

SC: True, but I also have the advantage of the naughty and nice list. If we go off of that it eliminates another half of my workload.
SF: There are really that many naughty kids?

SC: Have you ever been to Philadelphia? There are some nasty snot nosed brats that live in that city. Hell, they booed one of my helpers at an Eagles Game in the ‘70’s. I took that to heart. I think I’ve dropped perhaps 2 dozen toys there in the past 40 years. But I’m getting off track here.

SF: There are still cities like Boston, New York Miami and Chicago that still have large populations. Those have to take a lot of time?

SC: That’s right, and back in the day I was always in danger of getting caught when I hit L.A. and San Fran. However, thanks to technology and the NSA, I was able to find a way around that challenge.

SF: Please explain.

SC: I will if you would stop interrupting me.

SF: Sorry.

SC: *Scowls* ….after my Christmas run of 2002 nearly cost me my identity; I placed a call to the White House. Since the Patriot Act had come into fruition, I decided to use it to my advantage; I spoke directly with President Bush and explained my quandary to him. He was willing to help me out by providing me with a huge supply of wire taps, internet taps, bugs and GPS devices to place in homes across the nation. So in Christmas of 2003, I had a couple of my workers escort me on the trip. While I was placing presents under the tree and in stockings, they were planting bugs, taps and GPS trackers in the homes. After we had finished the trip, I contacted the NSA and they confirmed that the devices I had planted were working.

SF: So what’s the point of all of this illegal activity?

SC: Actually it’s illegal by your country’s laws. I’m a foreigner visiting your country for a night and I have diplomatic immunity.
SF: *Scowls*

SC: Hey, hate the game not the playa.

SF: Please continue.

SC: We then put GPS trackers on each child’s gift. When I fly over the home, I’m able to throw the gifts over the sleigh, a parachute then pops out and the GPS device leads the gift down to the home. Once it arrives, the parents will receive an email and text alert to let them know their gifts have arrived so they can put them under the tree and stockings.

SF: That’s pretty impressive.

SC: Thank you. We are hoping to streamline it even further by incorporating drones. If we can, I can sit in a base centralized at the North Pole and guide the drones to the appropriate houses.

SF: Interesting. Anything you would like to say in closing?

SC: *Pauses* actually, yes I would like to say something to the children. I would like to thank the children who have continued to believe in me. Nothing gives me greater joy than to see a smile on a child’s face and the warmth of joy and hope in their hearts. With that being said, you are also very spoiled. I don’t blame you, but I blame your parents. Do you really feel that you need an iPad at 6 years old? What happened to reading a book, and allowing your imagination to create the environment for you? What happened to coloring in a coloring book to test your artistic creativity? What happened to just wanting a doll or a football? More importantly, what happened to a parent saying ‘No’? Instead you demand high end electronics that kill your creativity and imagination. You become slaves to a box or a gadget. The sad thing is that it’s not enough. It wasn’t that long ago that children would be happy with a few gifts and then one big one, but not any longer. Today’s children and parents feel that they are entitled to have everything they want, and when you grow up to be adults like your parents, you will find out the hard way that the real world doesn’t operate that way. So I am asking you the children to become the examples your parents have forgotten. It’s okay to ask me for a gift, or even two, but what about those children who have never had the joy of receiving a gift? More importantly, ask something I can’t provide for you. Peace, kindness, joy and goodwill to others. Those are gifts you can all benefit from.